I am a natural worrier. The feelings of worry and guilt come hand in hand with my personality, meaning I was familiar with them long before I became a mum. I am the type of person who becomes overrun with guilt when I am late for a brunch with friends, let alone if I am late for work.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
However, it took me to become a mum to get acquainted with parental guilt. Further in the text I will refer to it as ‘mum guilt’. This takes many shapes and forms and in my case it’s always present, whether I do X or Y or even Z…<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Choosing to be a ‘working mum’ leads to guilt. Choosing to be a \u2018stay at home mum’ leads to guilt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Very early on during my maternity leave I started feeling discomfort at the thought of having to go back to work. The proper guilt then kicked in when my husband finished his paternity leave and our daughter started nursery full time. There was a lot of thinking and questioning if my nine to five at work was worth her eight thirty to five thirty at the nursery. Nursery fees in London are as high as one average (usually female) salary, so women often choose to go part time or decide not to work at all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Personally, I haven\u2019t even considered becoming a \u2018stay at home\u2019 mum, not even when I parted from my previous employer. The reason for that is the guilt I would have felt to all of my education, degrees, certifications and most of all my ambition. My ambition to progress up the corporate ladder was strong and combined with hard work, it brought me to where I was pre baby\u2026 well, not just pre baby, it brought me where I am today. I look at my CV while I prepare for interviews and feel great pride in everything I have achieved.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I will never forget the first Monday of my maternity leave (Klara was supposed to arrive in a week\u2019s time), when I cleared up my wardrobe and carefully put away all of my work clothes knowing I will not need them for a while. I remember crying my eyes out at the thought that my career as I know it may be gone, even though I was only putting it on hold for nine months.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
However, the mum guilt that has been haunting me for the past few weeks is a further form: the guilt from being neither a \u2018working mum\u2019 nor a \u2018stay at home\u2019 mum. The guilt of not fully committing to one or the other. The guilt from being neither here nor there, but floating in between, trying to \u2018figure it out\u2019. Figure out if I should go back to the City full time or part time, or if I should change industry, or work from home or for myself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I even noticed that I feel quite uncomfortable meeting other mums, be it mums in the park or mums from my daughter’s nursery. The question on what you do, how you handle your work with the child at home always comes up and I feel ashamed to say the truth. I always do say it, but \u2018I do not work at the moment\u2019 or \u2018I am in between jobs\u2019 sounds so wrong. Or am I being too harsh on myself?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s not that I sit on the sofa watching Netflix all day long. I am the one who is currently in charge of our daughter and our household. She is happy, growing and developing well. When it comes to the household – among other things, I am that fairy who makes the toilet paper magically appear in the bathroom and who makes sure various types of rubbish are taken out of the house multiple times a day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Although I know I am wrong, I hardly give myself any credit for making this kind of contribution to our family. I should probably try to actively change this perception, because if I do not value the work that I do, why would anyone else?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It seems to me that whatever route I take, mum guilt of some sort will be there to spice up my already busy and turbulent life. When I mentioned mum guilt to my mum for the first time, she said \u2018Welcome to the club, this feeling is here never to go away, now learn to live with it!\u2019.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Easier said than done Mama, easier said than done. But I may as well give it a go.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Things are very slowly coming back to normal post Corona here in the UK. Our nursery is open from the 1st June, but we decided to wait for a few weeks before we send our daughter back. I recognise I am lucky to be able to choose to spend more time with my child, some parents simply cannot do this due to their work responsibilities.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So for the next few weeks, I\u2019ll try to remove the guilt from my day to day. I’ll try to fully enjoy being a full time mum to my daughter before she goes back to nursery because ultimately, being with her is that one thing that currently makes me the happiest.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I am a natural worrier. The feelings of worry and guilt come hand in hand with my personality, meaning I was familiar with them long before I became a mum. I am the type of person who becomes overrun with guilt when I am late for a brunch with friends, let alone if I am […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":817,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[14,21,28,11,13],"class_list":{"0":"post-816","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-motherhood","8":"tag-covid","9":"tag-lifestyle","10":"tag-mom-guilt","11":"tag-motherhood","12":"tag-parenting"},"yoast_head":"\n