Since my relationship with my husband began he has always been exposed to Serbian language (overhearing Skype calls with friends/family or spending time with them in Belgrade and London), however when Klara was born my mother tongue officially entered our little family – as if parenthood wasn’t a big enough change. In the first 18 months this didn’t have too much impact, but since our daughter started talking things have heated up.
Three people, two languages
My husband recently opened up and raised his concern about having two languages in the house. His worry comes from me speaking to Klara in Serbian (and then translating highlights to him), while he speaks to her in English and consequently we do not really converse as a family of three. I paused, took a deep breath but didn’t disagree. I knew very well that what he was saying is true and that this issue can only grow to be more significant as Klara gets older and our need for serious conversations with her increases.
Possible solutions
We identified two possible solutions: 1) I switch to English when we’re together, 2) Tom learns Serbian. I recognised I am less keen on reducing our Serbian usage as it is the endangered language in our current situation. Reducing its use would drastically slow down Klara’s pace of learning. Our conversations with her are still quite basic and repetitive, so I would hope that picking up the basics of Serbian isn’t too big an ask. Tom said he was never good at learning foreign languages, but he also remained insistent about wanting Klara to grow up bilingual.
Could I be angry?
As I thought more about this it was tempting to get angry… ‘why hasn’t he taken more initiative and tried harder to learn?!’ …but then, a different thought came to mind as I put myself in his shoes. We were together for six years before we had Klara. During this time, even though I always said our child will be raised bilingual, I never tried hard to teach Tom Serbian. He has relatively good vocabulary of the stand alone words and he knows how to say ‘Molim vas, jedna školjka sa pečurkama’ (Can I have one mushroom pastry, please?) when he orders from a bakery in Belgrade, but not much more. I never insisted he should learn Serbian, so how can I be angry at him now?
I should have taught him Serbian before Klara was born
If you are wondering why I never tried hard to teach him Serbian, the answer is simply: I did not know how beneficial it would be for us as a family. Both of us always used to say that Tom would learn Serbian together with our child. As the child would grow and learn from scratch, he would too. However it turned out that the young brain is much more receptive to learning languages and so she quickly outlearned him. Consequently, he is now somewhat isolated when Klara and I communicate in Serbian.
Not giving up on Serbian
We share a common goal – to raise Klara to be bilingual. Therefore, we concluded that the solution lies with me (and Klara) helping Tom learn Serbian and him being more receptive towards learning it. Ever since he raised his concern, I try to translate more to him highlighting what word means what in English. And Tom, he started trying harder to acquire the basic repetitive Serbian Klara and I keep using. The other day I heard him ask her in Serbian ‘Hoćeš vodu?’ (Would you like some water?)
The middlewoman
Most importantly, Klara seems to know very well that her dad doesn’t speak Serbian, so when we are all together she has voluntarily taken on a role of his simultaneous interpreter. As an example, when I give her a shower, I like to name different body parts with her. She then turns to her dad and diligently translates word for word.
We keep talking about it
One thing worth highlighting is that talking about the subject regularly has helped us as a couple to overcome the difficulties imposed by the introduction of the minority language (Serbian). This conversation prevents bilingualism in our family from becoming an issue. We share how we are feeling and this helps us know if the other is struggling. Both of us have our own highs and lows with our respective languages and when one is low, the other one tries and helps the other one out.
Play together and in both languages
Another thing that we found useful for us as a family is playing together while consciously using both languages. Previously, I used to retreat every time Tom and Klara would start playing a game (more to grab some ’me time’ than to ignore them!). Recently I tried to get involved. Instead of playing the ‘shapes and colours’ game in one language we did it in both. I did for a minute worry this might be a bit harsh and confusing for Klara, but after we finished she wanted to play more.
If you are in a similar situation, I believe you know well how bumpy this journey is and I sincerely hope you found this post useful. Likewise, if you have some other tips & tricks, I would love to hear them, so please do get in touch.
Finally, feel free to share this post with anyone you thing may benefit from it.
Lena x