The other morning, I woke up at 4.30am. Thoughts in my head were racing. I dragged myself out of bed to the sofa in the living room where Tom was sleeping (these nights, it is quite common for him to migrate to the sofa after Oliver kicks him out of our bed). I asked him to go lie down next to Oliver as I was not able to go back to sleep. Before he left, Tom offered a hug. I accepted the hug not knowing it will instantly provoke flood of tears and sobs in me. The much-needed crying lasted for a while. He didn’t ask why I was crying. He knew.
The book
In the last month or so, I have been tormented by the book ‘Bilingual Siblings, Language Use in Families’ by Suzannne Barron-Hauwaert. Ms Barron-Hauwaert is an independent researcher and a mama to three bilingual children. She observed that there is not enough research done into the communication between siblings in multilingual households, so she did some herself.
Her research consists of two parts: she analysed already existing but limited research done by parent linguists who observed their own bi/multilingual children at home. They wrote so called diarystudies on their children’s language development and dynamics. She combined these with her own research consisting of an online survey (with 105 international bi/multilingual families) and case studies (with 22 international bi/multilingual families).
Conclusions that disturbed me
There are two main pieces of information I took away from this book: 1. Every subsequent child in a bi/multilingual household is likely to speak less of the minority language than their older sibling(s), and; 2. Once formal school starts it is the language of the school that becomes dominant, leading to siblings’ progressively decreased use of the minority language.
Klara, our older child, of whom I am so proud because of her language capabilities, is due to start school in September. I have always felt uncomfortable about her starting school but now I am dreading it.
First-born children
After reading this book, I learnt that Klara is a relatively common example of the first-born child who excels in her languages: she rarely mixes them and she knows very well who she should address in what language. The book explains that the common reason for the first-borns to be quite proficient bilinguals is having full and undivided attention of both parents. First-borns benefit from one-on-one time with each parent, which is very beneficial for those, like us, who follow the widely used OPOL strategy (One Parent,One Language). First-borns are also commonly said to have the wish to satisfy parents more than younger children in the family.
Second-borns
Younger siblings are exposed less to this focused, one-on-one time with each parent. They are born into a bigger family, with not only parents as role models but siblings, too. Younger child can benefit from having an older bilingual sibling as a role model. However, Ms Barron-Hauwaert highlights that once the older sibling starts school, it is the language of the school they bring home. Over time, the siblings’ preferred language becomes the school language, often referred to as the dominant language. Consequently, the minority language can become passive or completely dropped by the siblings. The latter is more likely to happen if parents give in to the children’s imposing of the school language at home.
Lower your expectations
The author adds that if one child is bilingual, it does not necessarily mean that their sibling(s) will be. She explains that siblings should be expected to have different capabilities and preferences towards languages for numerous reasons. Difference in personalities – one child may excel in languages, but the other one may prefer sports; different language histories – one child may have special attachment to minority language speakers (ie grandparents) and therefore may be keen to foster that relationship through the language, while the other one may not; and inter-sibling rivalry – the older child may talk over or instead of their younger sibling. They can overcorrect and laugh at the younger’s accent/grammar/vocab in the minority language. This can lead to the younger one refusing to use the minority language completely.
I was crushed
Learning all this was overpowering for me. I have dedicated the past four years of my life trying to make our minority language, Serbian, equally present as and on a par with the dominant one, English. I have consciously been building my children’s solid base in Serbian. To date, the love, time and effort invested has paid off hugely: Klara and her Serbian proficiency are something I take great pride in. Oliver understands a lot and is blabbing so much, I feel he is just about to start uttering his first words in both languages.
Having read Bilingual Siblings, I started to believe that all of my efforts and everything we, as a family, accomplished with languages to date is futile in the long run. I wonder if I am now supposed to accept that Klara’s Serbian will go down the drain once she starts school and that Oliver may not even speak it? This outlook crushed me and caused pain that peaked at 4.30am the other morning on the sofa.
Credit to the Husband
I do recognise the benefit of having a partner such as Tom, who shares the same goal as me: to raise proficient bilinguals. He is also very keen to learn Serbian and show his Serbian language skills to our children. A couple of times even, he came back home from a playground with something he considers a trophy: a telephone number of a Balkan language parent speaker. He recognised the language, befriended the parent and then seduced them into sharing their phone number with him. All for the purpose of increasing our family’s Balkan languages speaking community.
In addition, he supports me in ALL of my endeavours to make our children’s bilingualism possible, although not without scrutiny. Our relationship (as any other) consists of a lot of conversations, debates, arguments, persuasion and compromises.
However, chances are this is not enough. Going back to the book, it says that even if we used the minority language at home (mL@H) strategy or in other words, if both of us spoke only Serbian at home, children’s dominant language would still be the school language – English.
We equals me
To be brutally honest, I feel tired. Tired of raising children (full stop, with no mention of bilingualism) in the world that is effectively not mine and where I do not have the support network of my family. Further, I sometimes feel exhausted from being the only constant source of Serbian to my children and, to an extent, to my husband. We are raising bilinguals, but it is mainly MY responsibility to bring the minority language close to their hearts and their minds.
Finally, even though I am not alone, I feel alone. Alone, in creating opportunities for my children to grow up with Serbian in London: organising ‘fun’ social stuff and finding parents who are equally invested in bringing up their children with our Balkan languages. The latter is so hard and it seems there are so few parents pushing to preserve their own language and heritage. I have repeatedly questioned if this urge of mine is something I should be worried about.
Any good bits?
To give Ms Barron-Hauwaert some credit, if you search with the magnifying glass you can find small pockets of hope and ideas for increasing your children’s exposure to the minority language. None of these were new for me, but I was happy to see I am implementing some and seeking to implement others. The so-called unique language experience is something I worked on from Klara’s birth: heavily involving Serbian family and friends into Klara’s (and now Oliver’s) upbringing, regular visits to Belgrade and opportunities for her to create her own friendships with children who speak Balkan languages.
Overall: not so good
In my view, the book ‘Bilingual Siblings’ is effectively areport on inter-sibling communication in bi/multilingual families based on Ms Barron-Hauwaert’s sample. It offers red flags, but not many solutions. Even though the book includes a chapter on the profiles of the families in her research sample, what is left unclear is how much these parents cared, invested in and traded for their children’s’ bi/multilingualism.
The book will offer comfort to parents who may have not been very ambitious or successful with the multilingual upbringing. By contrast, it was quite disturbing for me. I believe it will provoke the same wave of feelings in those parents, who like me, have prioritized their children’s bi/multilingualism.
In our case, love, consistency and time invested do pay off. At least for now…
Since my children are still young, I may be completely delusional, but I would love to prove that another outcome for the minority language is possible. I faced myself with the question of giving up, but unsurprisingly, for me this is not an option. I have always liked a good challenge and I know I will move mountains for my children to love, feel connected to and speak Serbian.
A couple of months ago, I was enroute with Klara and Oliver to meet another mum who is the sole source of Serbian for her child living away from Serbia. I was explaining to Klara how this lady is also making a huge effort to teach her child Serbian. To this Klara responded: ‘Mama, you don’t need to teach me Serbian. I know Serbian from the time I was in your tummy. We need to teach Oliver Serbian’.
What she uttered then gave me such a strong boost and realisation that she didn’t think I was making ANY effort to bring Serbian close to them. She found Serbian innate to her. And for me, this realisation is worth a continuous battle for.