My return to work after maternity leave was not the happiest life event. Nevertheless, it is the period I want to remember. Experiences like that make us stronger and hopefully wiser. That is why I decided to keep the text below in here. It was written one evening while I was walking back home from work. I remember feeling terrible and writing this had a therapeutic effect on me. Little did I know how things will change only a few months later.
Without further ado:
I am a working mum. I always wanted to be one. I gained this title after I’ve been building my career in London for six years and then pushed the pram around Islington & Vracar (borough in Belgrade) for nine months.
Like some other mums I’ve met during my maternity leave, I never reached the point when I felt I was ready to go back to work. My time with Klara, with all the ups and downs (although downs were not frequent) was the most beautiful part of my life. But I had to go back and give opportunity to my other half to bond with our daughter and experience what is like to be a house husband.
So, back I went.
My first impression, one that still remains really strong was that women do not talk enough about how hard it is to go back to work after maternity leave (or maybe they do, but I wasn’t listening…). I heard it wouldn’t be easy, but no one mentioned the sadness of leaving a sleeping baby in the morning and the shock of seeing how much that baby grew in the past 10 hours once you come back home – or maybe it’s just my husband overfeeding our daughter?! Without going into any details, no one mentioned how different the workplace you left will be and how much people in there will change. No one mentioned how much you will have to adapt if you wanted to stay in the game.
But do you want to stay in the game? You wanted to be in it once, but now you have a baby and you are not so sure.
And I consider myself to be the lucky one, I went back knowing that (at least for the first three months) her dad would be with her, so no nursery settling in (yet!), no tears, no germs.
Still, every morning, I leave the house asking myself the same question: Am I a bad mum for not staying with my baby at home for a little longer? She will never be so small again…
I do not have answer to this question, not yet at least. I have been back at work for one full month only and will keep going until the answer presents itself to me. If only there was no mortgage to pay…